Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto