Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity