Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.