Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My favorite female superhero
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Here to help
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
me working on my assignments ^-^