Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

every single time

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

yall want some gasoline milk

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.