Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
dead inside
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.