Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name