[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
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If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
Twitter is an abusement park.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes