Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

True?

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.