Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

no!! no!!!!!!

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

British people

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”