Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

My typo game is string.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.