[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.