ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
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*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.