@KalvinMacleod

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

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@truegritrumble

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

@AimeeHelene1

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

@DrakeGatsby

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

@Marcmywords2

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

@AbbyHasIssues

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

@FeverFlave

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.