[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
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I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.