Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’