Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

<- sleeps well with others

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”