Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

Mapping America’s Far Right

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.