[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.