Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

Personal question. #JustSaying

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Education is vital