Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.