Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

*mops up wine with cat*

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”