Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

.. do you even science?

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.