Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

crazy

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what