Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

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tourist season

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life