Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want