Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me