[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY