Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

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It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.