Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

March 16

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen