Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

this country is so goddamn polarized

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.