Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.