Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold