Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.