Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

🎵 I can’t wait to

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory