pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster