pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.