pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*