pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
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“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
this is the greatest thing ever
What.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM