Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini