Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
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Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me trying to “trust the process”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest