Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
You Might Also Like
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
shakira sharkira
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.