Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
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Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
How did we not see this back then?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.