Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
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– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro