Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.