*offers Batman cough drops*
You Might Also Like
#oldknees
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.