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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously