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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is