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My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
They did not miss in the small print
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Print is alive and well!!!
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?