Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Pretty much. 🤣
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.