Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
You Might Also Like
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.