Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
incredible text to wake up to
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it