Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

sometimes we need to be reminded

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone