Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Just me and my debit card against the world
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*