Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
a lot to unpack here
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight