Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
marvel comics have peaked
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference