Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
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Couple goals
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Good morning
Why is everyone getting married at me
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.