Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Investing in beetcoin
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.