Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
what the
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69