Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

john wicks are toilet candles

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.