Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.