Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

lot going on here, legally speaking.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?