Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”