Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.