Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy