peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways