Peter Parker Peter Driver
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Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.