Peter Parker Peter Driver
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I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.