Peter Parker Peter Driver
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If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.