PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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Friday night party time 🥳
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Every
Single
Year
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?