Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

mmm onion ringos

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!