Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Still laughing at this stupid meme

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

Seals are just dog mermaids.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath