“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.