Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

Ladies, why y’all do this?

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Not recommended for beginners.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.