petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
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“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Every BBC series about the universe.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go