petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
