petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea