Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

are they though??

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

sure, why not

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

You can’t rush stupid.

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.